FF7 Cheap Horror
by Kat Aclysm
Summary: A very weird horror story, which is more funny than anything. It's very twisted too, so why not have a look and have a laugh? My use of language in the fic is..... uhm...... 'different' to what you have read until now....


**FF7 Cheap Horror**  


  
by Kat_Aclysm  
  
**NOTE:** This fic is ridiculous. Here's an example of what NOT to do when writing. I just wrote this because I had a whole bunch of bad similies running around in my head.  
Definition of a similie: A word you use when you can't spell the other one.  
**WARNING:** I am not this bad of a writer. In this fic though, my vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.  
  
  
I'll shut up now. Here's the fic.  
  
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"Mail's here." Tifa said, slapping the mail on the table in much the same way a fishmonger would slap a fish down on the scales.  
  
"Oh no." Cloud said sadly as he opened the mail, as if someone had just died. "My Great-Aunt Matilda just bought the farm."  
  
Cloud was a man of 21 years old, or if you REALLY want to get technical, he was 252 months, 33 days, 45 minutes and 46 seconds old and counting. To describe him would be easy - all one would have to do was read the next paragraph that described him.  
Cloud's eyes were like two blue circles with big black dots in the center, and his hair was the colour of a yellow chocobo. Stuck firmly to his back was a big strong sword that was as strong as a big strong sword.  
  
"Really?" Tifa said happily. "Your Great Aunt Matilda just bought the farm? We'll have to go there while on vacation. I love to pat the little baby chocobos!"  
Cloud slapped his forehead. "She passed away, Tifa!"  
"Is she alright now?" Tifa said, worried. "Did it hurt?"  
"She DIED." Cloud said, on the verge of tears.  
"Well why did you have sugar-coat it?!" Tifa growled like an untamed wild animal that wasn't tame.  
Just then, Cloud wailed like a balloon pig, so Tifa wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a hug that was similar to that of the strength of a 20 year old girl who trained under the Zangan Martial Arts.  
"Oh Cloud," Tifa whispered. "Don't cry - I hate it when you are sad."  
  
Cloud and Tifa were just friends - there was not much between them, except for some furniture in the room and a few clothes draped over the back of the chairs. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. Their house was made out of red bricks, all the the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.  
  
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That night, Cloud had a dream.   
  
As he was in a dreamlike-asleep state, Sephiroth decided to barge in on his dreams.  
  
*bash bash bash*  
  
"Mwaar haar harr." Sephiroth laughed evilly, like an evil person who laughs evilly. He laughed in Cloud's dream.  
"Shut up Sephiroth." Cloud grumbled. "You sound like a fat lady yelling in my ear about the price of pillows at Sears."  
"Well they are pretty damned expensive...." Sephiroth grumbled.  
  
Just then, in Cloud's dream, the ground crumbled beneath them. Cloud and Sephiroth floated in a large black area. It was a cold blackness. Cloud stared into the blackness of the abysss. It was very black.  
"I have stared into the abyss and have found... nothing." Cloud whispered.  
"What did you expect, a funfair?!"   
"Shut up!" Cloud snapped. "Who said you could barge in on my dreams?"  
"I did."  
  
They began to drift across the abyss in exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.  
"This is boring." Sephiroth yawned. "Can't you have dreams about naked women?"  
"No." Cloud said slowly. "That would be disrespectful to the woman I love."  
"Gee, you should get into MY dreams sometime." Sephiroth grinned slowly. "Hundreds of visions of naked Aeri---- *ahem* Yes, right. I suppose that WOULD be disrespectful to the woman you love."  
  
Just then, an unearthly howl came from high above them. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.  
  
"Oooog..." Cloud said. "Maybe I SHOULD start having dreams about naked women.... it would be a HELL of a lot less scarier than this...."  
"You're telling me...." Sephiroth said, speaking with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.  
  
"This dream sucks...." Cloud said, terrified.   
  
Just then, the two heard a scary rumbling sound. As lightning rolled around them, thunder soon followed. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.  
"This is where I leave your dream." Sephiroth said suddenly.  
"Why? Because you're too scared to stay any longer?"  
"No, because your dream sucks. Anyway, all the gravity in your dream is just about to come back because you'll wake up any minute." Sephiroth scowled. "And then you'll wake up and give the audience the standard scream."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Sephiroth seemed to fade away, much like colour does on a shirt when it's been left in the sun too long. Just then, Cloud fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.  
  
Just then, Cloud woke up, banging his head on the lamp above him.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
The noise made Tifa run into the room faster than Sonic The Hedgehog.  
"Cloud, what's wrong!?" she yelped like a mother worried over her child.  
"I had a bad dream!" Cloud wailed like a greasy pig when one is trying to catch it.  
"Oh, stop your cries...." Tifa hushed him. "I'm here now. I'm here for you." she said, cuddling his head to her chest, so his face was staring right at her left.....  
"Hee heee hee." Cloud chuckled to himself, and thought himself the luckiest man on earth, and unfortunately for you, I have nothing to compare this to this time around, because for a man, there really IS nothing luckier than having your head cuddled against a woman's.....*  
  
*ahem*  
  
SUDDENLY, Cloud sat up.  
"I have an idea!" He declared. "And my idea is to---" he paused in mid-sentence, to which annoyed many readers. Just then, something on the window caught his attention. It caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.  
"What, Cloud!?" Tifa wondered. "What is it??"  
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.  
  
Just then, lightning rolled across the sky again, still sounding like sheet metal being waved about during the storm scene of a play. Hailstones leaped from the ground, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.  
  
There was a figure at the window. Cloud and Tifa were as scared as hell. No wait, they were as scared as someone in hell.... oh crap, I screwed up. Let's just say they were really really really really really scared, OK?  
  
"I'm scared!!!" Tifa said, cuddling up to Cloud once again, giving him another free peep show.  
"Heee hee heeee......"  
  
A figure appeared at the window. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. As he opened the window, his wet hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.  
  
It was at this moment that one word, or rather, half a word and a few sounds came from the figure now standing in the room.  
  
"Mwwarr harr harr."   
  
Cloud and Tifa scowled.   
  
"SEPHIROTH!!!"  
  
Just then, the light came on for no reason, which scared the bejeezus out of everybody.   
The grey haired man shrugged slowly. "It was raining outside." he explained. "I was wet, and I wanted somewhere dry to stay for a while."  
"So over all the people on this entire planet, you chose my house over all of them?" Cloud scowled.  
"Yes." Sephiroth replied simply.  
"Damn." Cloud pouted. "And here I thought I was finally gonna get some."  
Just then, Tifa scratched her head.  
"Who is this?" she asked Cloud, motioning in Sephiroth's direction.  
"Don't you know who Sephiroth is?!" Cloud yelped like an irate man annoyed at his girlfriend for not knowing who Sephiroth was.  
"Well no, thats why I asked, you doofus!" Tifa snapped.  
  
Apparently, Tifa and Sephiroth had never met. Therefore, they were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.  
  
"Alright, fine." Sephiroth scowled. "I'll go back out into the rain and get sick. Goody for me."  
"No," Tifa said, getting up and tossing him a furry towel. "There's a fireplace downstairs and a bunch of wood. I'll lend you my fire Materia in a few moments, just as soon as I get up...."  
"No no no." Sephiroth shook his head. "You two lovebirds have fun in your bed. I have my own fire Materia, I'll go downstairs and start a fire."  
"JUST DON'T SET FIRE TO THE WHOLE TOWN!!" Cloud yelled as loud as he could, almost making the window smash.  
Tifa shook her head and sighed at him. Cloud was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall man".  
  
Sephiroth walked out of the room, and was gone and unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can, as Tifa and Cloud slept in the same bed, but still didn't do anything interesting other than sleep because this is a PG rated fic and the author doesn't feel like writing a lemon just now.  
  
  
  
And it is also the end of this godawful fanfic.  
  
  


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**~Shark's FIN~**  
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End file.
